Words, thoughts, expressions, pictures, sounds, colours... none of them are enough to express it.

It's infuriating.

Be careful, gentle LiveJournal users. Big Brother is watching you.

Well... upsetting few days, for varying reasons.

All of this 'he said, she said' bullshit might have been fascinating and relevant when I was 14 but now that I'm, y'know, an adult, I'd hoped it wouldn't be such a big part of life any more. I was wrong! I'm still in awe that any of this has happened.
People have been running their mouths left, right and centre about my relationship with Guy, its credibility due to Guy's sexuality and its nature due to my 'enforcing of gay life' onto him. Biggest pile of wank I've ever heard in my life! Guy is bisexual and always has been - just because he's more inclined to be attracted to women in the same way I'm bisexual but more inclined to be attracted to men - does NOT mean I've robbed up a straight dude and forced him to suck cock! And what aspect of my 'gay life' am I forcing on him?! I'm a fucking goth, I don't HAVE a gay lifestyle! Anyone who's known me for more than 2 fucking seconds is aware that I fucking HATE gay clubs, gay 'culture', gay MEN! I have friends who won't introduce me to their particularly camp friends because they're worried I'll lamp them - so how the fucking fuck am I meant to be 'converting' Guy to my BIG GLITTERY PINK GAY LIFE? I'm the worst poof in the world - gimme a pint and a soapy titwank from a goth girl over a white wine spritzer and a toothy blowjob from a Brazilian twink any day. What the fuck is WRONG with you people?!

And then, of course, it all gets denied. He didn't say that, she said this, actually the conversation went like that - fuck you. Fuck you. How DARE you spin this back on ME and imply that I'm the one to blame! How fucking dare you! You stuck up, conceited, middle class prick. I don't give a fuck whose fucking husband or whose boyfriend you are, you can kiss my arse. I didn't even respond to his high-horse bullshit on Facebook, he's not even worth a quick tongue lashing.

A few months ago I was seeing a girl and everyone was just like "Cool, what's she like?" - there was none of this "OMG NO WAI HE'S WITH A GIRL OMG IT'S SO WEIRD IS SHE LIKE TURNING HIM OR SOMETHING?" because the people who matter to me are open minded, intelligent, mature individuals whose only concern was my happiness, they didn't give two shits about gender.

*sigh*... everything's wrong. Without going into gory details I'm not the happiest I could be with my other half at the moment - as written above, and in other ways, people seem to be either painfully ignorant to the effects of their words, or just painfully malicious. I can't figure it out.

Which sort of caps the way I'm feeling at the moment... it's me. The common denominator in all of these shitty situations is me. And so, I'm not feeling very good at the moment. I'm driving myself insane about Guy, I've lost people who I thought were friends, I'm completely broke and then there is a new chapter unfolding with the Chris saga.

Some of you are on his friends list and so will be aware of what's happening, others not and if not won't be getting anything out of me - but basically, he's not well. And so, having spoken to him about it, I'm helping him through it... some people have said I'm an idiot for it, but I don't care. It feels like the right thing to do - I couldn't live with myself knowing I could be a bigger help than anyone else in the world to him in this particular situation and just not do it. So I'm going to start spending time with him and talking through what's happening with him at the moment - he might have treated me incredibly unfairly in a lot of ways but in other ways he was never anything but wonderful to me and so I feel it's my duty to help him. Keep your opinions to yourself about it, ta! I need to do this, for him. I don't love him any more, clearly, but there is a soft spot. As much as I spent the best part of a year wanting to staple his knob to a moving train, I spent a long time with him and we went through so, so much together and so there will always be a bond, which is coming back into play now. People have said "OMG don't sleep with him!" and all sorts - all of this is ludicrous. Why on earth would either of us do that? It's more ignorance, and it's getting on my nerves. I do not want to get back with Chris. I'm with Guy. Despite having some bloody horrible teething problems at the moment, that's where I'm staying. Keep your fucking mouths shut about stuff you just don't understand.

*exhales*

I'm fucking miserable.

Photos from AC!













I think we make some pretty good looking demon trannies. I LOVE the last picture - Dwayne looks awesome and I'm, if you look closely, terrorizing a very unimpressed looking dude while Vix mops up the floor where some TWAT spilled their drink at my feet. Fluid + 3.5ft peg stilts = broken collar bone, so it speaks for my professionalism in volumes that I didn't, y'know, crush someone to death.

So now I resume hunting for a real job while I stay with Guy which is actually proving to be quite nice! I love that man... even if he did throw up on my knob yesterday... (I don't see what the big fuss is about, it was actually quite a pleasant sensation.)

Now that I've committed a heinous over-share, I'm going to go work out/resume my AWESOME rom of Super Mario World. Ttfn!

Well, as most of you will be aware it was the Club AntiChrist Halloween Bash on the 30th October... myself and my circus, Carnivile, were booked for several hours stilt walking and a gore show on the main stage.

The stilt walking was amazing - we did 3 jilted tranny brides/bridesmaids - Dwayne was very voodoo-esque and kooky, spinning around offering buttercream icing into the mouths of the punters from an icing bag in his bra, while I (naturally) assumed the role of the genuinely fucking scary one. We found an amazing vintage wedding dress that I elongated... I barely fit through doors it was that puffy. The aesthetic was amazing, having this insanely long dress with my two tiny peg feet sticking out from underneath - VERY happy about that. The character work was jokes; stilt walking for us is basically being paid to be a giant pain in the arse. We blocked doors, messed up the dancefloors, I reduced one of the caterers to tears and tried my damned hardest to scare a shot girl into spilling her drinks. Security also had a massive go at me for being a fire hazard while I was stood in the smoking area doorway, daring people to take a battering for their addiction while I brandished a bullwhip... I have NEVER giggled that much in my fucking life. I had two security guards at my feet screaming at me while I screamed BACK and tickled them with a bullwhip... they weren't happy! I also got to take down a few people of whom I am not particularly fond, which is always nice. Castigated by a 10ft tranny. Gutted.


Then Vix and I performed a gore/filth show on the main stage... we had a baby. A baby full of guts, brains, vomit and shit. Baby got gutted. Baby's entrails ended up all over us while we fucked in them. People have COMPLAINED. And I quote:

"Their performance was atrocious and in bad taste."
"There is a line to cross between amusement and heinous act."
"We did not find the act anything other than offensive."

^ JACKPOT. These people are GENUINELY upset and pissed off. GENUINELY.

Pics coming soon...

I STILL CAN'T FIND A MODEL FOR MY TRIAL SHIFT AT PEPI'S! Why why WHY do none of you motherfuckers want your fucking hair cut for fucking free?!

I'm so, so sick of trying to worm my way into London I'm actually beginning to irritate myself. Seriously, I don't understand why it's so damned hard to just find a nice cheap room in a nice friendly house with a nice happy job and have a nice London life. Argh!

So for now I'm oogling pictures of my amazing boyfriend with whom I am ridiculously, stupidly, sickeningly happy with and chain smoking. Squee!



^^ Guy getting over-excited while DJing Festival of Sins... graceful as a swan... ^.^

Hello LJ... long time no speak, eh.

Where to start?!

I'm still in fucking Liphook which sucks bare donkey dick buuuuut I have a trial shift at Pepi's meaning moving up to London might happen which will be awesome (especially as I'm currently holed up in the East End on a Mac desperately trying not to throw it out of the fucking window into the stench that floats around in the air) and so maybe change is coming.

Another change is that I'm not single any more - not officially with the dude but with him enough to say I'm not single. I have never been so well looked after, so often complimented, made to feel so utterly special and wanted and cared for and the sex is hands down the best of my life so I am stupidly happy. Early days and all that but there's no rush - foundations being laid and all that. We're in a groove and it's working so I'm in no hurry to force it into a new shape - the shape it's in at the moment is just wonderful. New experience for me, but one I'm loving every second of!

I'm also now part of a circus which I co-founded called Carnivile, with some very exciting prospects coming up soon. At the moment it's Dwayne and I available for stilts with Victoria on foot, which sounds very dull but will be expanded on soon.

I have another gore show booked at AC on Oct 30th (are they insane?!) and I'm going to be using real pig organs. I can't wait. OH OH OH AND I'm going to be on TV! BBC3 were filming a bit of Snog, Marry, Avoid at AC on the 25th and wanted a few shots of some performers, so my boss put me forward for it and I had a proper camera crew stood around filming me rubbing a buzzsaw on my crotch and then I had to sign a fancy release form and all sorts. Something of nothing really, I'll be in it for approximately .5 seconds but y'know... it was still awesome!

So er... I think that's it... this is what Guy's house does to me! You should see my Facebook statuses at the moment. Dull as fuck. I'm too shagged out to be witty. *beams*

All I can say is....


I'M FUCKING AWESOME.

I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT ANTICHRIST ON FRIDAY!

Yet extremely excited. This show is going to be fucking disgusting, and I'm going to love every second. I'm aiming for at LEAST a few "OH MY GOD" style reactions from the men in the audience, but if someone boos, vomits, faints or complains to the management I'll be buzzing all night. The idea for this show is to be as grotesque as humanly possible and so I will be VERY pissed off if people nervously giggle or leave the room as soon as I get my cock out. They need to stay to see what I'm DOING to aforementioned genitals, that is le crutch!

Then I'm doing Satan's Strip Show with Luna at 2am which is going to be very hawt (ripping off a pole dancers clothes and shoving your crotch in her face in front of a thousand people is a hard job, but someone's got to do it...see what I did there?)

After that of course comes the obligatory fire and sparks. There are a few knobs turning up meaning I'll have to fight myself not to drop the grinder on their head. While it's switched on.

4 SLEEPS! ONLY 4 SLEEPS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'M NOW A QUALIFIED HAIRDRESSER!

A few bits of paperwork to be completed on Wednesday and Thursday next week and I'm DONE.

FUCK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SAID I COULDN'T STICK AT IT AND DO IT! FUCK YOU WITH SOMETHING HARD AND SAND PAPERY!

I've just realised something, having been an intolerable, miserable shit over the past few days.

I'm going to have a remarkable life. Where I am now is a trial of character that's long overdue in its demise, and I'm making it happen. I'm going places. I have skill, talent, intelligence, strength and wit on my side - why do I let such trivial things convince me I've got nothing? It's nonsense. I'm a unique performer, a talented hairdresser, an imaginative personality and an ambitious achiever. Human beings are SO quick to rip each other, and ourselves, apart; we never look at the good. This is a revolution to me. I have many bad points, but I DO have many good ones. No matter how sharp tongued, spiteful, vengeful and quick tempered I am - I am a good person. I betray no confidence, I honour obligations, I work my arse off to achieve what I want to achieve, I love with all of my heart. I am not made of stone. When someone knocks me down, it hurts, and there is no shame in that. I'm happy when those I care about are happy. I'm sad when they're sad. Say what you want about me - I will not believe you any more.

I'm going to be on TV. I'm going to tour the world performing. I'm going to be in magazines and newspapers. I'm going to fall in love. I'm going to get married. I'm going to have the most intense, satisfying, insanely obscure sex life I could dream up. I'm going to have children and I'm going to raise them to be fantastic, beautiful human beings. I'm going to have a fuckoff massive plasma TV and a shiny black car in the drive. I'm going to live a wonderful life, because I'm determined to.

I let EVERYONE get to me, hurt me, betray me, run me down, hold me back, irritate me, block me on MSN and brand me a shit friend for watching Britain's Got Talent (true story, that), and why? Fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being able to make it alone. I'm over it. I don't need these people, I never did. All I need is confidence and belief in myself, and I've found it. I'm going to be successful and happy in everything I do because I deserve to be, just like everyone else.

Say what you like, spread whichever rumours you want, spit snide remarks about my weight, heckle me on stage, call me names, send me shitty messages, critique my clothes, insult my family, fuck my friends, turn up in your masses to events I'm at thinking I'll be intimidated, rip me to shreds where nobody else can hear until you're blue in the face. Do what you have to do to make sure you retain your imaginary halo, to keep yourselves convinced that you aren't ugly on the inside. Enjoy sipping on your haterade, while I'm sipping champagne.

I'm better than that. I'm above it. I couldn't care less about any of the people in my past who have become estranged, distant, or even enemies. Do as you will.

From now on, I am having NOTHING to do with gay men with the exception of Mario. Yet AGAIN I find myself being disrespected, treated like shit and made to feel an inch tall. Yeh, ok, I have no express right to feel like that but I fucking do. It seems as though every single time I get within a fucking mile of a guy on the alt scene it ends up with drama, backstabbing, awkward almost polyamorous situations and for me, a lot of unhappiness.

I have been through so much in my life and I am working around the fucking clock to get myself a happy life. I'm qualifying from college in a few weeks max, I'm really making a name for myself as a performer (another night has expressed interest) and I'm moving in with Madi in London in a few weeks too. I am trying SO hard to better myself. Leave behind the ruined, miserable wreck of a life I have here and start one where happiness is a pleasantly frequent occurance, not a fleeting moment. And so it would appear as though I have to cut yet MORE people out of my life to do that. So, goodbye fuckheads, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Hello internet!

Riiiiight well... again I shamelessly self promote; ELECTROWERKZ, MAY 16TH, 7PM, MECHANICAL CABARET ALBUM LAUNCH PARTY! You get into Slimeshite for free afterwards, so why not. It's going to be an awesome gig.

The PrOblem BEiNG are the first support act (which is bullshit in my opinion, the other support acts are wank) so I'm deliberately giving it all my firey, spark spraying spank bank material so as to show up all the bands. Including Mechanical Cabaret, seeing as Roi's big stage gimmick is to take his clothes off to reveal his horrible boxers. Niiiiiice.

I'm honoured actually; I've been booked for 2 songs, instead of doing one, meaning I don't appear to be a one trick pony. I've spent the best part of a year training with fire and so it's nice to have those skills acknowledged, rather than angle grinding being the only spectacle I can achieve without my infamous blood spraying strap on.

Then, I'm booked for the main stage at Club AntiChrist in June for my Jackin' Man show... which is, frankly put, disgusting. DO NOT MISS IT. I guarantee it'll be one of the most obscene things you've seen all weekend. Flesh chewing, fire eating, japseye penetrating, masturbating, blood shooting madness. I'm on the flyer for this month apparently; look out for it... it's going to be all over London for the next 2 months. Whoop!

THEN, I'll hopefully be performing at the Bizarre Ball in October. Not sure what I'm going to do for that if I get booked... but I'm thinking lots and lots of animal guts.

So yeh, work aside, I'm inches away from qualifying from college, and then Mario and I are starting the hunt for a place in London. Hello, epic rent. I'm going to get a job as a receptionist in a hair salon as I've decided hair styling sucks arse. I can't be creative 15 times a day, it's exhausting.

It's all coming together! Fucking finally!

*does jig of victory, like a moose in a room eating walnuts*

I'll be performing fire and sparks on stage with The PrOblem BEiNG on Saturday 16th May at Slimelight as one of the supporting bands to Mechanical Cabaret!

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I COULD EXPLODE.

BE THERE!

I love how this video turned out! XD

I think I've FINALLY found an insurer, meaning I can start doing commercial fire gigs rather than having to stick to private venues and only being able to perform fetish, sideshow or stripshows at clubs. Kerching!

I've also been learning recently how to turn the flames a different colour, which is awesome. I think green is my favourite because it looks cold, but the downside is you have to use meths which fucking STINKS and the fumes from the acid to make the flame green can be toxic, so you can only do one or two burns per night with it, it ruins your wicks, and you can't eat the flame or use the fuel for firebreathing 'cause you end up kinda dead. Not that I'm offering firebreathing shows, as I've already heard too many horror stories and seen to many accidents... and I hate the taste of paraffin.

But yeh - if all goes well with these insurers I can now add spark shows, body burning, fire eating and fire dancing to my resumé. It's taken fucking long enough to learn and I'm still shit with fire fans, but the time and effort it takes is totally worth it in the end.

My cards will now say:

DPH Productions:
- Hair stylist - skills spanning the alternative to the classic
- Fire performances - Angle grinder spark shows, body burning, fire eating, fire dancing
- Fetish and gore performances
- Alternative stripper
- Podium/cage dancer

Next come stilts (dyspraxia allowing and all) and maybe a course in body painting. Ahhhh I'm so excited!

After I can whole heartedly say that I'm experienced with fire, as at the moment I'm no further than intermediate and that's at a push, I'm also going to look into teaching lessons in fire performance. BUT NOT WITH POI. I fucking HATE poi. If I have to put up with one more person babbling on about how AMAZING they are at spinning socks with balls in them I think I'll explode.

ALSO! I bought a kilt for AntiChrist on the 24th and it's a waist 34. It's too big. 6 months ago I had a 38 waist. Pure organic win. *does a jig*

I discovered today that half my bloody work colleagues are avid Christians. And I frequently sit there going on about how I perform for Club AntiChrist... They should wear a sign. "I serve the cosmic Jewish zombie, don't say anything inflammatory to me or I'll have an aneurysm."

It now explains why half the stuff I come out with seems to leave them cold. Seeing as I only have a few weeks left there I'm setting out to cause as much offence as humanly possible. It's just too tempting not to. I'm going to tell them that my next stage show revolves around the penetration of stigmata wounds, and go into long winded detail about how sexy crucifixion is. (It actually is, in all fairness. I've developed a big thing recently for meat hook suspension and crucifixion.)

Speaking of AntiChrist and my shows, my main stage show that isn't Satan's Strip Show has been moved; it'll now be June 26th. I'm not sure why exactly, but Missy has changed the dates. I understand that some of you may already have plans but I'm hoping that it's in enough time for you to schedule it in.

Also - Marilyn Manson's new song. I think it's a bit lacklustre to be honest. Not impressed Mr Manson... maybe it's time to throw the towel in.

Urrrrrrrgggghhhhh, I'm still recovering from Slimes on Saturday. I was pretty much so wasted I lost my motor functions. Really I only went to see Terrorfakt and spend time with Sveta <3, and all in all it was a good night. I don't think I'll ever really enjoy Slimelight again though, because I'm so conditioned into AntiChrist now that it doesn't feel like a good night out when all that's going on is a blurred barrage of POWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOW and trashed cybers. That, and Sveta and I couldn't get it ooooooooon without being ejected. AntiChrist for the win, Slimeshite for the fail. Nothing wrong with a bit of innocent cage sex for fucks sake.

I did enjoy seeing Collagen, Celia, James and the short black haired guy Sveta and I want to have a threeway with, and of course it was really lovely to see Millie aswell, who provided much needed blonde entertainment. According to her, Slimelight is like being in a King Kong movie. Not quite sure what she means by that.

OH OH OH AND! While waiting for Sveta to finish work Millie and I saw some woman get pretty much sleep raped in a car. It was insane! This guy was sticking his tongue down her throat while she was asleep, and then she woke up and they got in the back! Dirty, sleeping, dogging bastards. :P

And now I have 2 weeks off college, and when I return I should be qualified in about 3 weeks. Woooooooooooooo!

So now, I retreat to my bed. *dies*

Well... my Mum's alcoholism is starting up again. She's been doing so well recently and so I just can't understand why she takes one step forward, and then ten steps back.

Without going into graphic sob stories and the like, as a result of her illness my life has been pretty tough at points. Now that isn't a sympathy card, far from it; I don't believe for a second that my life has been any harder than any body else's. But it definitely is hard at times.

Despite growing up as a child of an alcohol addict I still don't understand how it works. I understand that it's a coping mechanism but what I don't understand is the literal thought process of "I know how having a drink is going to cause a huge amount of unnecessary drama but I'm going to do it any way." How does that work? How do you completely switch off to the ramifications of your actions and go for it any way? We've had many useless family counselling sessions with a preppy, uptight NHS counsellor as way of learning to cope with our problems as a family and I'm still no closer to understanding why exactly it is that she persists in behaving the way she does. I understand that some of us have ways of coping with stress that aren't what could be described as productive, but I've never come across one as destructive as substance abuse. Especially when the drunk Hyde character that emerges is such a nasty, evil, vindictive bitch. She's fully aware of the animal she turns into when she's drinking and she still does it. So is she stupid, inconsiderate, thoughtless, or more ill than we all think she is? Does she behave the way she does because she's selfish and doesn't care about those around her, or is it because she's so far into her problem that she just can't help herself?

I wish I could have that magical lightbulb moment and get it. Perhaps then it wouldn't piss me off so much.

*shrugs*

*blows away dust* Hello, LiveJournal... it's a been a while... *makes eyes*

It's all systems go at the moment. I qualify in like... a matter of weeks! I'm so excited. Wherever I'm living when I'm done I plan on doing my NVQ level 3, taking a few L'Oreal and TiGi training days and then going on to do my degree in hairdressing. (Yes, you can do a degree.) I'm so excited to be out on the floor, actually being a hairdresser, rather than a skivvy.

And on Friday I make my debut as a stripper at Club AntiChrist... a career path not many foresaw, due to my lack of a sixpack. However my recent 2 stone (and counting) weight drop and a subsequent huge inflation of self confidence means I'm just going to grab the bull by the horns and get my kit off for the crowds. Again, something I'm very excited about!

I'm really happy with how my life is going at the moment. I'm getting on with what makes me happy without giving second thought to what anybody else thinks. I've cut many shit people from my life, I've got my careers on the move and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've learned to appreciate being single at such an early age; I have no doubt that if I were involved right now I would not be steaming through what it is I need to do in order to be in the position I want to be in. It's too easy to be lazy when someone is pretending to love you no matter what.

So, in that vein, I have a song to dedicate. It's my favourite tune currently because it reminds me of how much better off I am without a man in my life. Here's Lily Allen with 'Not Fair'; and it goes out to all the loves I've lost. Enjoy!